The urge to disappear

it happens.

Hello rotters,

It’s been awhile. That seems to be the new motto of my posts these days. After a series of unfortunate events, I’ve been rotting myself these days. Each week a new present of doom seems to open up. Emails of rejections and overall unwelcome news comes around to me. As an ego defense mechanism, I’ve retreated from the world a little bit. A way to protect myself and to let myself sink into the dread of my problems. I guess this is what we would call rot?

I found myself scrolling on social media, to which I put an immediate stop because surprise it wasn’t making me feel any better but then I found myself scrolling on Substack notes (not bad, not amazing, overall: okay).

Rotting these days consists of only getting up for work or my obligations. Laying in bed and letting my thoughts run wild while my body stayed still. I felt an urge to disappear even for a little bit, to feel good again and come back to face society. As a confident person, I’ve never felt the need to hide away or even shove away my problems but after the recent events, I’m missing some sparkle and I’m feeling the dread of being perceived.

I guess this movie still fits today’s topic

I felt almost deranged watching the sun rise and then settle back down through the shades without having done anything. Rotting I’ll admit is a privilege. Boredom is a privilege, being sad and taking time for yourself is a privilege. I know not everyone can rot in the comfort of their room and stare at the sky waiting for something to miraculously cure all their problems like the storybooks have once proclaimed. I think knowing that this is all a privilege made everything worse. My parents would often punish us as kids for saying “I’m bored” when there’s so much to do and there’s so much to be. Maybe that’s why, I’m taking this as a punishment rather than a restful period. I’m a productive person, I love being busy and being useful but my once quick crisis rebound abilities in the past isn’t working as well in the present. Every time I step outside, it rains, and each step I take is into a puddle. Somehow, I just keep sinking deeper and deeper. I don’t usually run away from problems but hiding right now would feel nice. Even my usual daydreams of some miraculous solution that automatically makes me into a rockstar have gone rancid in my mouth these days.

Some would call this “learned helplessness” and those some might be right. Yet, what’s the solution to this? Eitherway, this time, it’s taking more time than ever to heal and find a plan.

So in trying to find a plan, I felt that maybe some outside sources of motivation could help, I recently asked Substack notes if it ever gets better after 23, the two comments I received on that note seems to be both my sides warring within me. One comment saying that yes, it gets better but it’s also life is different, and another comment stating that nothing gets better even as time goes by. How did they know how to read into me so well? Both my angel and devil on my shoulders yelling at me were now in the form of two comments.

Okay, so the internet isn’t helping as much (go figure), the next step was in the form of re-entering into the world of socialization and friends which I so pushed away to run into my turtle shell these past few weeks.

I met with two friends whom I haven’t seen in light years to trauma bond on relationships, careers and our post-grad crises. It felt really nice and refreshing to talk to people who weren’t aware of what’s happening in my life. I was able to give my details and not feel like I needed to continue rehashing the trauma like an updated blog but rather as a complete all in one “trauma dump” to friend that I haven’t seen in a long time. Heartbreak and sadness combined. Shared trauma over fizzy sodas and croissants.

My dog seems to understand that I need someone on my side, he’s been extra attentive towards me and adorable these days. I’m giving Einstein the title of emotional support doggy for the time being.

Other than that dear rotter, I’m picking myself up. I’ve decided to maybe half dissolve my desire to disappear. I want to make efforts to bounce back and feel good again. So here’s to going back to stage one and just rebuilding everything again. I’ve decided a good place to start to feel better would be to update my Substack <3 and to clean my room. That’s always a good start right? My desk has been so cluttered recently that I’ve been writing and researching in bed (a big taboo, or so I’m told). I’m a big fan of all those aesthetic tiktok girlies who seem to have everything in order all the time. While my room isn’t that, it wouldn’t hurt to try a little. I know within the next month, work will pick up as well and everything will feel productive just the way I want it to be.

Some shows/ movies I remember enjoying in the past :

• Little Forest (movie)

• Vampire Diaries (ah yes, the OG)

• Begin Again (I don’t know what it is but I love this movie)

• Miss Congeniality (I’ll never forget to S.I.N.G)

• Broken Hearts Gallery

• Summer Strike

• Hometown Cha Cha Cha

Artists that have been keeping me company:

• Ateez

• Wave to Earth

• New Jeans

• RM

• p1Harmony

• N.flying

• RIIZE

As for my post-grad struggles? This will continue to be a current dilemma until I can pick myself and make a plan (currently doing). Any advice for people like me that are feeling a bit lost? Being sad isn’t bad and I know everything isn’t supposed to workout in the first go but a win would feel really nice these days. Grad schools and the economy is my stressor but I’ve met and heard so many interesting tales on life from others at my workplace and am wondering if I’m even going about all of this right or am I rushing for the sake of not being perceived wrongly? Writing this right now, feels right (Please excuse any grammar mistakes, I love writing in a frenzy).

Sorry to put this all on you rotter but I wish for you to not rot like I am and to actively find happiness. I hope for you to constantly choose joy and make time for it.

with love and trying not to disappear too much,

riya