It was the night before halloween. All was silent except me. Anyways, welcome back. I know it’s been a while since my last post but these days I feel like more of a spectator of substack rather than a writer, it’s my favorite app and writing platform but I don’t feel as if I need to continuously post as much as I used to. Hopefully you’ll feel that the quality of my posts feel better when I have the urge to write.
Now, as you may know or not know, I’m still in my pre-med journey to getting into medical school.
It’s weird but I have to admit that I live in a constant state of embarrassment. I understand that life comes in different paths for everyone but meeting people and having them ask “so what do you do?”, seems to put me in a constant fight or flight mode. Sufficient to say, my gap years and every person who asks me how I’m doing has humbled me tremendously.
It’s humbling to have people watch you give your all and continue to see your museum of failures. I recently saw a quote saying that it’s not my museum of failures but rather my gallery of trying. I think there’s a nice spin to it. I often wonder what other people think of me, not in a narcissistic way but more in the sense of what do they see when they see me giving what I can and trying? Attempting the MCAT for the third time is not for the weak.
A few days ago, we had a patient come into the clinic with a broken nose. One thing about a broken nose is that the only way to fix one is to let it heal and break it again. This is also similar to when you lift weights and work out, you break your muscles to allow room to grow and reform to break again. In some way, I think my humility and ego are comparable to a broken nose. By constantly letting my pride and even character get stepped on, I do feel weirdly stronger. I’m still weak but I can take a punch or two. I’ve been holding onto my broken nose theory to not break my spirit here. What do we think? Too far fetched? Or a good analogy?
I’ve almost gone biblical in a sense these days. Every incident into a parable, every parable into some lesson I can incorporate into my life. Is this what growing older means? Every day blends into a mush but these few stories and moments, color even the dullest of days.
The books I’ve been enjoying these days include, Life for Sale by Mihima, Yukio and The Poppy War by R.F Kuang. Both books with main characters who essentially want to die and attempt very risky behavior. Life for sale, had me questioning everything in the grand scheme of things and the poppy wars? Wow. What can I say? The author is brilliant and the character is so flawed in so many ways. The Poppy War to me is a book with true power, each word written with pure intent. I felt almost spiritual reading it, the lessons and the way the author describes life applied to both reality and the fictional world this book is placed in. This is the only way I can explain it without spoiling it further for you all.
Other than books, I’ve recently been watching extreme amounts of The X-Files and House M.D. I’ve always loved Sherlock and Scooby-Doo, so maybe this is my grown-up version of mystery? Either way, as unethical as the characters are in both shows, I’d still want them on my case or by my side over anyone else. There’s something so fascinating about smart but slightly chaotic people solving mysteries against the odds. It almost feels like watching the doctor I shadow in real life as she finds diagnoses for walk-in patients with almost no medical history. People are extraordinary, and I see examples of this every day in my life.
I’m realizing now, that maybe the content I’m consuming and life experiences I’m witnessing are turning me into a little bit of a cynic. I guess we all go down that route one way or another. Is this way newcomers are considered shiny pennies and the rest of us tend to calm down and become browned pennies?
Anyways… This was short and all over the place wasn’t it?
And just like that you’ve reached the end! Today’s post is almost identical to my usual weekly reports but I do enjoy a catchy title and occasional think pieces that have me reexamining my soul, so for that matter, this article will not be named as a report. I’m sure this last part goes without saying but please don’t break my nose if you see me in real life, I really do love my face and was just talking in a hypothetical and symbolic sense. Come on, I know you loved the catchy title. Anyways, until next time rotters and others.
with love and no grammar checks today,
Riya
Wanna buy me a coffee?