Junebug

my skin is toast, a few anecdotes on loneliness and other June truths

Jul 08, 2025

June started off sweet, with thunderstorms and roadtrips.

I spent the start of June at one of my childhood best friend’s PA white coat ceremony. We’ve been friends for a whopping 12 + years, and standing beside her on such an important day felt quietly profound. It’s the kind of milestone you know you’ll look back on years from now, remembering the pride and admiration you felt in that moment. It was one of those “firsts” moments. First baby, first wedding, first heartbreak etc etc. You’ll never forget your firsts and just like that a memory has been formed for both of us.

It was the first white coat ceremony I’ve ever attended, and seeing her so close to the start of her career made me pause. It reminded me how far we’ve come from the kids we once were, and how, in small and big ways, we’re all slowly growing into the people we dreamed of becoming.

The night before the ceremony, my best friend and I rambled about life in our rapid fire, never finishing our thoughts or sentences sort of way. From the corner of my eye, I noticed her significant other quietly ironing her white coat, getting everything ready for her the next day. He listened to us talk, not interrupting, just quietly ironing in the corner. Something about that moment stayed with me. She had found someone that would take care of her and sit in the background when needed and let her shine. She had found her person. I didn’t completely believe in all of that before, but in that moment, I did.

I haven’t mentioned this moment once to them but I would think about that scene for weeks and maybe even years to come.

My skin is burning as I’m writing this. Florida heat is no joke. Summer has its own ways of teaching me lessons.

I went to rock climbing after a few weeks of avoiding the drive to the center. This time I brought a new group of people, eager to show off my meager skills, despite avoiding the center for ages. Assuming that I would be weaker than ever, I found myself climbing higher and doing better. Is it the desire to show strength? Is it the renowned feeling of leadership I felt while showing them the ropes? I couldn’t explain it. I climbed climbs that I struggled with for weeks, I went to heights that I never once tried before. I completed 6 out of the 7 climbs I attempted, in fact, I was showing them examples on how to climb some of the climbs. I couldn’t explain to you why or how or where I got this strength from. It felt parallel to wanting to be a good example and wanting to show strength. I’m surprised but I’m starting to wonder if that’s all I needed to crack the rest of my woes and troubles …. someone to rely on and someone to count on to be there rooting for me? It’s such a silly and convoluted way to look at it but where did that strength come from to climb that high? Was it confidence? Was it within? It had to be. Maybe I can tap into that strength for the other times I feel weak. I kind of feel a little weak now. Lots of cognitive dissonance on my end.

Is there a word for scrolling so much on social media until you feel sick? Whatever it is, I completely have that. For the past three weeks I’ve been feeling a bit sad and I noticed that I’ve kept social media on my phone for the past three weeks. I normally delete social media and redownload it on the weekend but this time around, I kept it around for entertainment. I’m going back to deleting it just as a social experiment to see if my mood improves. I’m tired of procrastinating on work and scrolling on social media. I’ve gone so far to researching into flip phones. It might be time to retire my constant connection to the world. I had another friend of mine tell me that her social media has been started to make her feel really sick as well. I’m calling all June illnesses the June bug but I’m sure there’s a real word for this phenomenon.

I’ve also had to come to terms that healthcare is not the place for soft hearted individuals. Working in the geriatric clinic as a MA has made me realize that my soft heart is not a gift for many, in fact it’s a weapon or toy to stomp on and kick around. Trying to stay bright eyed and soft is not as easy as I thought. Thankfully my anger almost always goes to corporations (insurance) (companies) (health systems) over patients. I don’t think I’ve ever actually gotten mad at a patient ever (yet)… (hopefully never).

My best friend’s going to move away soon to Boston, this June felt like a first and last in its own way. Instead of 12 mins apart, it would be hours apart. No more late night walks, coffee shop pickups, snack drop-offs or yoga run ins together for a long time. I know she’s not gone forever but proximity is such a prize to have. It defeats loneliness and brings so much joy that you take for granted at times. The ease of seeing a friend is such a privelege to have. There have been countless times that I’ve been dragged from my house for a walk or adventure rather than being allowed to rot.

I sometimes feel like I would move just to be closer to my friends, something about the community it provides brings me something that I didn’t have growing up and moving away from India. No aunts or uncles to pick me up when my father was running late to pick me up from school, no one to babysit me when an emergency came up and no one to watch after me when both my parents were at work. I don’t regret my childhood but some part of me always craved the community and closeness of familiar people. My community only started forming college onwards. Who to trust, who to build a life around and who to keep forever. Always an eye out for the ones you want in your life and a hand out to keep away the ones you don’t want in your life.