I loved loudly and failed miserably this December and I have no regrets.

December Debt.

Jan 09, 2026

I fell on my face again.

and again.

Slowly my features chipped away, first my nose, then my lips, then my eyes and eventually the rest of me just became a memory rather than a living human entity, spirit, and being.

Failing this many times in something I so passionately and boldly spoke about is not only humbling but excision. I cut myself and eroded off my entire identity due to shame. Erasure of myself and who I am as a person, hiding myself from my community and mentors out of shame. My love not so loud, my actions not so bold, and my passion a little bit more muffled every passing day.

There is a type of bravery in admitting your failures and yet sort of tangy but savory bitter melon taste that follows this admittance. Why is it that speaking of my achievements feels like sand blowing in the wind versus how heavy the world is on my shoulders when I admit defeat? Even in admitting defeat, somehow we persist and continue, not out of just being stubborn but out of pure love for ourselves and belief that we are something more than a moment of time.

Loving loudly and failing miserably has been my entire life, there are times that I stifle myself out of consideration for others and out of consideration for my image. I want my image to be cool, calm, collected, confident and capable. But I’m not. I’m chaotic, loud, unsure, opinionated, picky with my confidence and slightly whiny at times. I wish to be this other girl but time and time again, I’m reminded as lessons often do remind you until you learn them that I can't change myself out of fear of retaliation or of my image, if I am not loving loudly and failing miserably then I am not me. I would be someone completely different, if I was quiet on the people, the things, and the passions that ignite me, or indifferent and isolated, on the projects that I’ve done terribly on.

Some part of me wants to be a willow in the wind, quiet, and gentle. Some part of me wants to share my life, some innate part of me wants to shout and say “I’m here, please look at me. I’m not gone”, sometimes I feel like I'm disappearing before my very eyes and sometimes I wonder if anyone notices.

Sorry if this was a bit heavy tonight, maybe the takeaway is to love loudly, proudly and boldly? Let the world know about who you are as a person and who you are not. It’s okay if people know who you are. Crash loudly, cry often and show people you care about something or someone. Mystery be damned. Or maybe not? Protect your peace maybe? I’m not a guide nor am I even someone that has everything set in life. Take this as a grain of sand I guess.

One joy of December is having everyone you love be in the same area at the same time, people you haven’t seen in ages and consistently been long-distance with for years now. There is something so magical about being together after a long long time a part, a homecoming of sorts.

This December taught me that I owe a debt to my loved ones. I saw everyone I love over the past two weeks and thought about God for the first time in a long long time. I was loved and held so deeply from my friends that I started to believe again. I believed in marriage, children, and magic, all things I adamantly to this day refuse to think or even acknowledge. I don’t even have time to think about all that. But how can I help it? Knowing that my village is so steadfast and loving, convinced me, some part of me also wants to bring love to the world and keep us all connected for futures to come (provided with the current state of affairs, that there is a future to come). To my village I owe a debt. For them, I’ll try to love loudly and fail miserably.

I used to vow that I would never change my name for love, but recently my heart wants to burst speaking to my grandmother, the woman who raised me and taught me unconditional love, for her I would change my name. I’m considering adding her first name to some portion of my name, so in a way, I guess I would change my name for love.

In the media/ things I’ve consumed section… two words:

Heated Rivalry.

I feel like this show put me into psychosis, I can’t explain why this show so specifically pulled me. I think one part of me enjoyed watching two people love without gender norms being an issue or have to sacrifice their career, the love came in second to the career and I really enjoyed and respected that. There’s so much to this show but somehow I’m speechless.

with loud, bold love,

Riya

P.S: not grammar checked

P.P.S: all human-made

P.P.P.S: chin up, it’s 2026 now.

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